Exhuasted

For this entry I think I will share what is going on in my life. How I am dealing with my faith. In a kind of way to fellowship. Maybe there are others out there like me and feel like me and well then I will know I am not a alone in the world.

What a powerful thought really, to think you may be the only one in the world that feels the way you do. I know how many people are in the world and the chances of me being the only one that feels this way is nill. I think it is just Satan just trying to get us to feel the woe is me. Just disrupt our lives and our Christian walk with God. But I feel totally exhausted yet again. And it is all my own doing. How often have a ran myself ragged just to fill up my day and make my self look good? Well this does not look good to my family when I am so tired all I can think about is sleep. I have however been able to keep up with chores around the house, though my bedroom looks badly neglected right now. I am just so worried about money and fitting into my job. Not to mention that school is way easier than work. Honestly work is just so boring. I don't know. I work with people all day which I don't mind but there is such pressure to sell all these things where I work that by the time I get home I don't want to talk to anyone. I love being around people but this constant meeting of new people and putting yourself out there is just draining.

My parents have noticed a difference in my behaviour. I come home and I go straight for my room. I really don't talk as much and well I am not concerned about my guitar lessons and my friendships. Maybe that is why I feel so lonely. I just can't bring myself to go out anymore. I would rather stay home and just be by myself for once. Not have to put myself out there. So well I have gotten alot of reading done. That seems to be the easiest thing to do. Tv is too loud and well I can just crawl into bed and read or on a comfy chair in our front room in the sun. That is when I feel warmth in my life. How my walk with God has taken a beating. I am just to tired to listen to his voice and too read his word. To even write down my prayers. I just want to sleep. Everything seems to take more energy than before and my head hurts more and more each day.

Now some may wonder how I can not read my Bible when I am reading a book. Honestly I can't answer that. I barely have my full attention on my book so to read the Bible I feel like I am just looking a words and turning the pages. I just can think deep thoughts. I feel as though I am losing that fire and well it scares me. I don't want to feel the darkness around me again. I really don't like it. It is so cold and sad. Even now all I can think about is rest. Let my weary bones rest. My mind to come out of a fog and to be able to be myself again...