What Is There To Say...

So Tempting

2005-05-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ever find yourself in a postion where you are being tempted? Right now I know I am, only because of my personality. You know how a mother will protect her children at any cost? Well I am like that for my friends and it is often hard to keep it under wraps. I know I went to the aid of my friends and it had dire consquences and wasn't helpful in the long run. Which totally sucks, by hey how are we supposed to grow if we don't learn from our mistakes? I have made some doozy's and I intend to learn from them. I just pray that I don't have to make the same ones over and over again. I just wish like was easy sometimes and I wish I could say my mind without the fear of being attacked.

It isn't like I am afraid of being attacked by someone who is opposed to my personal faith, I am afraid of being attacked for an opinion and by someone I know and trust. I think that is what I fear. I let what people think of me run my life a lot. But not non-christians but fellow servants for the Lord. They make feel as though I have to fit in this box, that I know I don't fit into. I have never fit into a box, no matter how hard I have tried. That and it is just now worth it. God made me an individual and I intend on staying an individual. I have a different personality and yes it is tainted by sinful nature. Yet whose isn't? If your's isn't I want to know how you do it?

So I am an individual and well what do I do with it? What am I to do with my ideas? Do I find somewhere to post them privately on a blog that I don't tell anyone about? If I think about it, that would be the easiest for me to do. After all I don't want to stir up the pot, make ripples. I guess they could be waves like the last time. I also am going to believe that this "something"that was said was by no one I know. And I won't change my thinking.

An update on my accident, he is being charged with impared driving and I am still dealing with very sore muscles. I wish they would go away, but this is something that is going to take time. I also miss my boyfriend, who happens to be tree planting. I just hope he is okay and safe. though I will be having the opportunity to see him again and that is exciting! Anyways what else is there to say...

Is it really an Accident?

2005-05-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

May 4th, 2005 has changed something in me for the rest of my life. It was about 8:45 pm when I was driving through 32nd and Taylor drive intersection when someone turning left thought they could beat me. Of course when you turn in front of them at a Max of 5 meters in front of on coming traffic you are going to get hit. I was in a 2000 Honda accord and I hit a brand new Chevy truck. My car is totalled and my neck is in tremendous amounts of pain. I have a hard time holding my head up and my shoulder hurts from the seat belt. I know my saving grace was that I was wearing a seat belt and the air bag didn't come out. I don't know why the air bag didn't come out but I would be worse off if it did. As the Honda is a standard and the fact is I am short; short legs means I have to sit very close to the steering wheel. My glasses are wrecked as well as many CD's. But I am alive with one of my Best friends and my sister. I question though if it was really an accident? Anyone in their right mind would have known better than to turn that close infront of me; blindly as well. A truck with a U-haul trailor turned before him. I didn't see him and I doubt he would have seen me.

My dad being a retired Police officer, and a Collision analyst at that was there and told me after that he could tell that the guy in the truck didn't even try to stop. In fact he sped up to try and beat me! What an idoit! Now the question is ' Was he impared?'. I don't know but I do know one thing, he was drinking. He said he only had a couple of drinks and well now I am waiting to hear if he was impared. But how many drinks does it take for someone to be impared? Does your blood alcohol level have to be at 0.8 percent? Or can it just take one? For him to think that he could go like he did, he had to be impared. Now were those drinks with your friends worth it? I could have died! My Friend could have died! My sister could have died! Who would want that on their hands for the rest of their lives? He will have to live with this as it is.

I have talked to my mom now about this and well I see what she says when someone is impared after one drink. If it can affect you as a person then you are impared. It is mood altering and if it is used to 'loosen' you up then you are impared. Do we really need it to have a good time? And to all those who drive after one drink I am very upset with you! If this guy is not drunk legally, but still was stupid enough to do something like that, then what is there to say that you yourself are not impared? So next time you think you are sober get someone else to drive. Spare yourself and someone else some heartache and a massive headache. Now I see as drinking not worth it at all. Never again will I touch it. I have tried it twice and never again! I was even smart enough to know that I shouldn't test the waters by driving after one drink. It can ruin your life. This guy was two days from graduation at the college. What a waste.

Well that is all I have to say. I need to sit and think for some more. I am frustrated with this man but I have forgiven him. Everyone makes mistakes; I just hope that you won't make the same mistakes as this fellow.

Life is CRAZY!

2005-04-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the whole span of no writing. Right after I wrote the last blog well this guy he phoned...Yes I was very surprised and well we are dating. Yep I am still surprised what has happened. God really does work mysteriously. Well I don't know what else to write for now. Just thought I would let you know what happened with that. Oh and he is an amazing guy!

What is Going On?!

2005-03-07T13:35:00.000-08:00

Okay well it have been awhile I think? Not quiet sure with all the working I have been doing over the last little while. I just know I am exhausted and can't believe what is going on aroun me! So let me start last friday I went to a show, a punk show and well I was proposed to...Ya that was weird and I didn't know what to do. How awkward and well it made me really nervous. However it is a really funny story.

So I thought this would be a one time thing...well I went to church last night for Sr. High and young Adults. Well it was to do on signs...long story but we wrote signs on what Christians do or don't do. Then it was an open floor to talk about the issues. So this was the second week and well I got up and well spoke my piece and well ya it was alittle nerve wrecking. However it wasn't the weird until after the worship was over and well a guy came up to me and well told me he appreciated what I had to share. So we talked for a little bit and well then I was getting ready to leave and then he said something to the effect of " DO you want to have Coffee?" Well I was totally confused...like first he doesn't know me..and well I was like what is going on. I get confused really easy. Well hey it was weird.

So now many of you are wonderin' what I said. Well I gave him my number and well now we will see if he phones me. However I highly doubt he will. But anyways life is nuts. I don't know which way is up and which way is down...hey is left right or right left? Man I think I will just go with the flow right now. That way maybe I will be able to see some sort of sanity. But I guess my life is kind of like the weather...yesterday was spring and today...I don't know maybe both...All I know is my hands are like ice!

SO here is hoping there is some sanity coming my way...and if you could point me which way is to normal that would be awesome!

How Grateful I am

2005-03-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful to God that my parents are still alive. For many of those who read this don't know that my parents are ex-RCMP officers. Honeslty so many times they left our home to put themselves at the mercy of their job. Never have I been so aware of this until today. Many have heard now about Mayerthorpe in Alberta. That is the place where four RCMP members lost their lives. Their families are now without them. What did they do? They gave their lives for this job. They went to work today and are now going to be put into the ground. One day this will only be something and event and a statistic in the history books. Does anyone really know what it is like to have a parent in a job like this? I doubt it. Everytime my mom or dad went to work it could have been their last day and they could be another headline in the news.

So why is it everytime I turn around that I hear all these complaints about RCMP officers? Called Pigs and other such disgusting names. The jokes that are often told. Do you know how it feels to know you can never put your name in the phone book? When my mom was in the force there were threats towards them and well her children. I am one of them and this individual is still out there...somewhere. Nothing may never happen and most likely won't but revenge can cause people to do ruthless things. Cruel and unbelievable things. It is just sad. Does anyone really understand this grief? I bet many who have parents in the military or in the RCMP can feel how I am. We know that challenges of everyday life. We see what happens through different eyes. I know I am not alone out there. But can't people respect those who put their lives on the line to protect the citizens of this nation, of our communities? Or is this respect a thing of the past?

Exhuasted

2005-03-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

For this entry I think I will share what is going on in my life. How I am dealing with my faith. In a kind of way to fellowship. Maybe there are others out there like me and feel like me and well then I will know I am not a alone in the world.

What a powerful thought really, to think you may be the only one in the world that feels the way you do. I know how many people are in the world and the chances of me being the only one that feels this way is nill. I think it is just Satan just trying to get us to feel the woe is me. Just disrupt our lives and our Christian walk with God. But I feel totally exhausted yet again. And it is all my own doing. How often have a ran myself ragged just to fill up my day and make my self look good? Well this does not look good to my family when I am so tired all I can think about is sleep. I have however been able to keep up with chores around the house, though my bedroom looks badly neglected right now. I am just so worried about money and fitting into my job. Not to mention that school is way easier than work. Honestly work is just so boring. I don't know. I work with people all day which I don't mind but there is such pressure to sell all these things where I work that by the time I get home I don't want to talk to anyone. I love being around people but this constant meeting of new people and putting yourself out there is just draining.

My parents have noticed a difference in my behaviour. I come home and I go straight for my room. I really don't talk as much and well I am not concerned about my guitar lessons and my friendships. Maybe that is why I feel so lonely. I just can't bring myself to go out anymore. I would rather stay home and just be by myself for once. Not have to put myself out there. So well I have gotten alot of reading done. That seems to be the easiest thing to do. Tv is too loud and well I can just crawl into bed and read or on a comfy chair in our front room in the sun. That is when I feel warmth in my life. How my walk with God has taken a beating. I am just to tired to listen to his voice and too read his word. To even write down my prayers. I just want to sleep. Everything seems to take more energy than before and my head hurts more and more each day.

Now some may wonder how I can not read my Bible when I am reading a book. Honestly I can't answer that. I barely have my full attention on my book so to read the Bible I feel like I am just looking a words and turning the pages. I just can think deep thoughts. I feel as though I am losing that fire and well it scares me. I don't want to feel the darkness around me again. I really don't like it. It is so cold and sad. Even now all I can think about is rest. Let my weary bones rest. My mind to come out of a fog and to be able to be myself again...

Humility

2005-02-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

So many times this past week I have started this blog and stopped, why? I can blame it on the fact that I was tired and such, but is that really an excuse? I know I have neglected a lot in my life. Just have been caught up in life and not aware what has been happening around me and to me. Well I was listening to the Radio and well it was talking about having humility. How many of us can even say we are humble?

In today's society we see that we are to get what we can out of it. Take the praise for everything you can. After all isn't it all about us? Well maybe for you but not for me. I know I am no better than the average joe. I want all the credit as much as everyone else. I would not say I am humble at all. so often I think it is about me and no one else; I forget that there are billions of other people out there beside myself. After all we are , ourselves, number one in this world. We need Self-esteem right? Wrong! We need Self-worth and humility.

Have you ever come across a person who was totally humble? And not one of those who says they are not good at anything and have a poor slef image. That does not count. So what is Humility? well the Humble I am talkign about meaning the following: "Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful." Seens Pride is the root of all evil, so we are talkind about meekness; not weakness. After all do the prideful and arrogant people have many friends? I mean true friends? Well I highly doubt it. Personally if there is a person who is so full of themselves I can't stand them. Like I am going to want to hang around a person who makes me feel inferior.

Well there is a Bible verse that talks about the meak. It is in Matthew 5:5 "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth"(NIV) Wow the earth! But HOW!? Well lets look at this idea of meekness. No one ever want to be called meek. Why do we associate that would with weak? Especially when they will inherit the earth? That is a huge reward and I am sure that is just one of the many rewards they will experience. Christ was meek and very powerful. After all he isn't commanding all of us to bow down this very instant. Though there will be a day when the whole world will know of his glory. And what a day that will be! Well this meekness is actually towards Christians I believe. It is to be totally humble and give everything up to God; to allow him full and complete control of our lives. It is being submissive. Yes the "S" word that the world hates to hear. God is my master and I will be humbled now or later. I choose now, and will be willing to do his will. I want to follow him and be meek.

Meek also states that we have patience, not a temper. Those who can control their temper and be patient in return gain a lot. Those who humble themselves before God and become meek have a certain power about them. After all you have God on your side. I know it is learned, and practiced. It takes a long time to learn and perfect. But I know one day I will have it all together. And until that day I will try my best to allow God to have all the glory. After all who am I really living for? Me and the world? Or God and eternal life?

A Song

2005-02-18T16:06:00.000-08:00

I found this song that goes with the last two blogs I have written in the past few days. It is by the band Casting Crowns called American Dream. I really like this song because it is so true. Actually I love the whole CD but that is something totally different.

American Dream

All work no play may have made Jack a dull boy
But all work no God has left Jack with a lost soul
But he's moving on full steam
He's chasing the American dream
And he's gonna give his family the finer things

Not this time son I've no time to waste
Maybe tomorrow we'll have time to play
And then he slips into his new BMW
And drives farther and farther and farther away

So He works all day and tries to sleep at night
He says things will get better;
Better in time

'Cause he works and he builds with his own two hands
And he pours all he has in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are coming' crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

His American Dream is beginning to seem
More and more like a nightmare
With every passing day
"Daddy, can you come to my game?"
"Oh Baby, please don't work late."
Another wasted weekend
And they are slipping away

'Cause he works all day and lies awake at night
he tells them things will get better
It'll just take a little more time

He used to say, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins"
But if he loses his soul, what has he gained in the end
I'll take a shack on a rock
Over a castle in the sand

Now he works all day and cries alone at night
It's not getting any better
Looks like he's running out of time
'Cause he worked and he built with his own two hands
And he poured all he had in a castle made with sand
But the wind and the rain are coming crashing in
Time will tell just how long his kingdom stands
His kingdom stands

All they really wanted was you
All they really wanted was you
All they really wanted was you

Spiritual Girl

2005-02-17T22:17:00.000-08:00

I wrote earlier on being a "Material Girl", so now I am going to write on being a "Spiritual Girl". I wonder if anyone realized that there is a hole in their life that they are trying to fill with things or activities. You try to mind the meaning in life, find a purpose. Everyone wants to know why they are here on earth. Hey, that is a good question. Fortunatly you do not need to go far to look if you look in the right place. I am hear to tell you that you are love and were created because of that love. You have a purpose and a meaning for your life if you look in the right place. Society titles, money or things though do not give your life purpose.

Ever treasure something you own so much that you took really good care of it? I know I have had a few things I have loved alot, that were "things". Some may think it is crazy but I keep everything. Trust me it drives my mom nuts. Honestly I wish I didn't care about such things but I do; not to mention my shoes. Recently my walet was stolen and well I had money and valuable things in there. But I just want to share some verses with you.

Matthew 6:19-21
" Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I know I am trying to store up my treasures in heaven, why would I try to create a wealth here that onle stays here? I am going to go to heaven for the rest of eternity after I have spent all the time I am supposed to on earth. Do you see dead people spending their money? I don't but I think that has to do with the fact that they are like six feet under the ground. You don't have a second chance at this life. You can believe what you want, God has given you that right. He has loved you so much he gave you free will. He didn't make us drones. We are all special and all different and all have a different purpose for him.

So if you make charity work your treasure does that mean you will go to heaven? Sorry but the truth of the matter is no. Charity work is awesome, but then you start doing for selfish ambitions. If you do good deeds to get to heaven you are not doing them out of the kindness of your heart; can you see the underlining selfishness...? The only way you can get to heaven is if you are absolutely PERFECT!

So again do you see the hole in your life you are trying to fill? I know Christians even have a hole. It is because they are not allowing God to take all of their life. They are trying to have something to control. So they fill that "hole" with worldly things. Shoping, movies, trips and good deeds. So many of "us" miss the point to. Everyone has a material side to them, after all we are surrounded by it every single day...unless you are a hermit living in the words totally sucluded. In which case you would probably be not reading this because of the lack of technology.

Maybe some of you don't know that you have a hole you are trying to fill, but when in fact you are a "Material Girl" living in a material world. Same with all of the Christians out there. I just hope we can be followers and well be intune with the Spiritual world. Common be a "Spiritual Girl" where God is the only thing that can fill that hole. Where Jesus will heal anything that has happened to you and where forgiveness and completeness is found. Meaning and purpose fill your life and even when it is hard there is a little more sunshine than before.

No more "Material Girl" just a "Spiritual Girl" I will be. Stuck in a material world for now, but will allow God to fill the emptiness I feel. So what will it be...?

Material Girl...

2005-02-15T18:46:00.000-08:00

Some of you will know this song, by Madonna. Well I heard it today on at work at SEARS and well I have never really listened to the lyrics until now. How sad...yet it is so true how we are "living in a material world". Don't believe me look at the television adds. It is so sad to see how we need to please the flesh. Just to let you know: you will never sastify the flesh with things. No matter how many shoes, gagets, CD's or pericings will ever sasify you. Haven't you noticed yet? I have...I have a lot of things that are material and the harder I try to hold onto them the faster it seems they fade away. I know what it feels like to feel incomplete, to try to find something to fill it. Straight A's don't even come close, compliments don't cut it either. I only craved more. That can be draining on anyone. I tried to be anything you wanted me to be so I good get just one nice thing said about me.

The lyrics:

Material Girl:
Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're o.k.
If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light, that's right
'cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always mister right, 'cause we are

Chorus:
Living in a material world
And i am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And i am a material girl

Some boys romance, some boys slow dance
That's all right with me
If they can't raise my interest then i
Have to let them be

Some boys try and some boys lie but
I don't let them play
Only boys who save their pennies
Make my rainy day, 'cause they are

(chorus)

Living in a material world [material]
Living in a material world
(repeat)

Boys may come and boys may go
And that's all right you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they're after me, 'cause everybody's
(chorus)

A material, a material, a material, a material world
Living in a material world [material]
Living in a material world
(repeat and fade)

Has the world really fallen to this kind of emtiness? Have we allowed it to over take us and make us miserable? Allow this hole in ourselves become us? I think we have. This hole that is in all human beings has become us. We are empty and living a meaningless life. There is no point to our lives if we live to shop or golf or quad. If that is what we live for the world has been reduced to nothing. Everything is utterly pointless.

I can't understand how so many can live like this. Don't you feel it? That pain that can never be healed? The restlessness, or the boredem that can never be quenched? You can fill up your life with activities and at night when the darkness closes in don't you feel alone: unsatisfied?

So do you?

Love

2005-02-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

part three

Ahhh, true love! How many can say they have found true love? Someone who has never forsaken them, cheated on them... I doubt there are many stories out there. I know I haven't found one yet, in human form. Yes this will be a blog about God and his love for us. Yet it is true and it is the "real deal". I know I have fallen in love but I have fallen in love with something that is so beyond me. The feeling is real and there is no turning back. It is sweet and completes all my cravings. How life has changed for me; the healing that has taken place. Even in such a short time. Let me enlighten you with my boring life experience and then give you some encouragement.

As of last week I thought I was going to burst because I could not talk to this guy I used to date that I am still in love with. It was driving me crazy. I went to bed crying everynight and just ached from it all. This feeling of dread came over me everytime I had a moment to myself. So As usual my protective nature kicked in. I made myself so busy; I didn't allow anytime to think. I worked myself so much that I was just exhausted and would collapse on my bed and fall asleep right away. No time for much...Sure I read my bible and I prayed. But it still ached so badly.

Well I didn't know what to do, I felt lost; yet again and was tired. Well I learned somethings and I decided I was done. I am after all moving five to six days of driving away. God is the real lover of my soul and I am not treating him like that. I am not allowing him to write my love story. After all he is the one who knows my life. He has planned it, regardless of my past. How reassuring. After I gave all my feelings to him and just focused on him and putting this love I have for this guy who does not even feel the same way. My life brightened up so much. That aching has left me. I feel complete and well I actually don't need to fill my day with a business that could kill me. I am not one to handle stress so to be relieved of that makes life so much simplier.

God has loved me even when I pray so selfishly. Honestly if he was human with all the flaws of the flesh he would have walked out on me a long, LONG time ago. Personally I wouldn't ever consider myself worthy of this amazing love, actually I know I am not. I am selfish, needy, emotional, all those qualities that men HATE! Yet one person has loved me inspite of me; God! How amazing. He sent his son to die for me...honestly I don't know if I could die for anyone. I hope I could, but think about it. I would only die for those I would consider worthy of my life. I know I would die for my children, but I also know I would not take a bullet of paul Martin. Yet Jesus died for me, who is unworthy as well as Paul Martin. We were all short of the glory of God. That is why I think it is pointless for those who believe they can work their way up to heaven. Or think they are a "good" or "okay" person. Man anyone can be better than someone. I know I look like a saint next to Hitler. Yet next to Mother Theresa, ya I look like dirt. So obviously we cannot compare ourselves to others. Who is perfect? Like perfect; who hasn't thought meanly of a person, told a White lie...I think it is safe to say no one. Not one person on this earth right now or in the past with the exception of Jesus Christ.

This guy died for the prositutes, the unfaithful, the liers, the murders and most importantly for those who are exactly like me! Now that is real love. He will be hurt by us but will never leave us, even if we leave him. He will search for us and wants us back. He forgives and loves us no matter what we have done. We could have straight A's or failing marks. Be athletic or a person who is really good with cars and technolgy. (I am not that for sure! Isn't that what full service gas stations are for?) God has wrapped his loving arms around me countless times. He has comforted me nurmous times. He has whispered his promises across my soul and planned my life with love. I know I can trust him with all my heart. Because of this I can let him have all of me. When we give ourselves over to him amazing things happen and that has happened to me.

Because of this I will sing about his love and praise him forever and ever. I love him and that is all I need; along with my friends. He is in control and shows the real meaning of love. Once you have the real thing life will change and put a new spin on things for you. To God be the Glory for ever and ever!

Love

2005-02-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

Part two

So I wrote about my feelings of love the last time; still I will wonder if I should delete it or not. So this part two of my series I will write on how society has twisted love into several different meanings. It is a shame how everything is called love and for the most part it isn't what I would call love. This four letter word used to be used wisely and now is used at a drop of a hat. This once precious meaning is no longer around.

So many people say they are in love with a certain person and well the truth of the matter is they are just lusting after the person. The "love" the body or a physical feature of a person and get what they want and will move onto the next person if they will not give them what they want. Sacrifice is a form of love, but come on, when is enough enough? Now if you think I am just talking about men I am not. Females are following this trend also. Has love been reduced to an animal instinct? I really hope not, or this race known as Humans will cease to exist. I believe we are superior to animals like the elephant and cat. We can think for ourselves and we can speak and reason.

If there was real love out there, there wouldn't be a fifty percent divorce rate. Loving the person means working together. Since has marriage been easy!? Get to know the person, don't base your relationship on the physical features of the other person. I will let you know a secret... If your marriage is based on looks it won't last. Eventually everyone looks the same, wrinkly and old. They smell and it will be their personality that will make you still love them. If you married them for their personality. If he is attractive but has the worst personality there is no way I would date them. I don't want to live with someone who will make my life miserable. Looks are a major bonus. Don't think I am like this phyco who is like mad at the world. I notice when God made someone attractive. I am human like the rest of us. I have just based my feelings on something deeper than the skin.

Looking at television today I see all the worng messages about love. I know I don't need diamonds to know if a person loves me. Though diamonds are really nice. We are told we are unique and special and then we turn around and are hit over the head with totally opposing messages. Makes me wonder what is going on in the world. Fortunatly I know of a love that some only wish to find. And truth is it is a lot easier to get than most think. It is free and perfect! How awesome is that? Until next time...What more is there to say?

A Virtue To Learn

2005-02-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

Patience; often when that word is breathed the saying "Patience is a virtue". That may be so, but waiting can really be a pain. Even though I like time when I can just sit and wait I am talking about the patience for Mr. Right. I am only almost nineteen, but when you have lived the life I have and had a serious relationship when you thought you would be getting married like within a year or two. The sudden realization that there are no prospects is very frighting. Everyone, mainly adults around me like my parents and my parents friends tell me to wait. Yet I am forced to wait because well lets see... there is no line-up outside my door to date me. I cannot help but giggle to myself about that when ever people say that " You never know he is right in front of you". Yet I know I am not alone in the world that feels this way. Many just want to know the future or meet the special someone tomorrow. Patience is something maybe we all need to master, and not willing.

This is where it can get complicated. Have you ever thought about how you learn patience. Patience just does not happen, it is worked at and learned. So everyday you do not run out and get married to the first person you meet ( I would definitely not recommend this) is exercising patience. Everday you do not date just because you are alone but wait for someone who is marriage material is patience. It is learnt and then you become better at it. I know that it is a struggle everyday not to wish for the future to be here already. I know I need to live today first. God states also that tomorrow has enough problems of its own. Also worrying about something will not add a single hour to life. Both these can be found scripturally in Matthew chapter 6. Which on a whole is a really good chapter on life and how to live it.

About the future though, many of us today are control freaks! I know I am one, well more of a perfectionist. I also want to know everything now. I hate guessing at something. Knowing it all is everything and seems to make my life less stressful; there is no room for doubt. How can there be a hint of false in truth. Truth is truth. So if I know something is a fact then I can rest easy.

However the problem with this is the fact that I am trying to control my future. Not that I can see into the future, so it is really a pointless waste of energy and time. Just becuase you know a truth does not mean you know that what you plan for your future will pan out. (Planning and dreaming are two different things) There is nothing wrong with dreaming, God gives them to us. It is when we try to take control back out of God's hands to say to him " I do not trust you with my life, I want to take control"; when in fact God is the best person to be in control of my life. I know time and time again i have to lay down my control freak habits to God. Jeremaih 29:11 tells me that God has a paln for my life, a hope and a future. He does not plan to harm us. He just knows what is better for us. He knows us better than we know ourselves; like I know how many hairs are on my head. I can't even count the freckles on my face. Besides God is beyond time, he knows the past, present and our future.

Now this can be a very scary thought, what if what we want for our lives never happens. Maybe God chooses that we should not go this way or do something in particular. I do not know what it will be for your life, but what I often fret myself about is if God decides that I should not have my big family or even get married. That is a scary thought for me. Ever since I was little I have wanted to have a large family, be a stay at home mom and of course have my very own prince charming. Sometimes God knows better and the hardest thing is dealing with it. Not that I believe he is mean or anything, that is how much he loves us. When we leave his presence, the circle of grace and his loving arms we are bound to fall and to hurt. I know for myself when I did it was the worst time of my life. If I could just learn to wait and be patient with God's timing maybe I would make a lot less mistakes. Actually I would. When I wait for his timing then I am not in control and I am exercising patience. Even if it is hard to watch people around me get married or have a family; or be finished college. Patience for me is learning to live in the present. For everyone else it is different.

For you this virtue will need to be learnt for something different. Some have tempers and do not wait for explainations. Or maybe you are like me, planning the future and taking control is something we need to give up. All I know this is a virtue that if you do not have it now it is hard to learn. It only comes through practice and time. No matter how painful it can be just to sit there and wait for the timing to be right. Just be ready, not lazy. Do not use this "waiting" as an excuse to be lazy. So here is to the virtue that is learnt by using patience. Go figure!

Girls Today

2005-02-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

Okay this is to all females out there. I really do not know what is up with us these days. We fought for rights to be treated equal and what have we done with those rights women around the word spent theirs lives getting us. Sure was can have pretty much any job we wanted, but is that all there is to equality? Same pay and same job opportunities are not all what rights are about. How ever we, ourselves have brought an even more injustice apon ourselves. By the way we act and dress.

Now what do I mean by the way we act and dress. Ever look at your wodrobe and think how sexy you look? AND HOPE TO CATCH A GUYS ATTENTION!! Well that is bringing our selfworth down. It is okay to try to look beautiful but seriously seeing you thong underwear or the color or design on your bar, if you wear one, is not trying to look beautiful. You are allowing guys to think you are candy a toy to be played with. Are we just toys or are we human beings that deserve respect just like guys. It is not the guys fault they think this, it is our own. Hard to hear but it is the truth. Guy see and act on what they see. They are different that us and have a total different wiring scheme than females. Personally I do not want a guy to think he can just get into my pants then walk away and use me any time he wants. I am only going to give myself to one man and that will be my husband on my wedding night. I deserve the best and so do all of you. If you act like a slut and dress like one that is how they will treat you. Fact of life.

Ever you ever wondered why when a girl sleeps around with a lot of guys she is called a slut, when if a guy has slept with a lot of girls is held is high esteem by his peers. When is reality he is no better than all those girls he has slept with. He is a man whore, plain and simple. He is stealing from you and your future husband. So why do we let them degrade us still? Seriously what is up with that! It makes me angry to see girls try to keep a guy so she gives him her body. When in fact that is all he wants and once he gets it, what is left for him to hold on to. What is to stop him from tossing you aside like garbage? I hope you can see the very HUGE point I am making. Maybe we won some rights but in the end we lost ourselves. We have lost the truth worth of being a lady and what that entales. I can only shake my head. Seriously this needs to change.

Now how can we, well first I would say is dress modestly. Do not try to get a guys attention. The right one will come along and see the real beauty and you know what he is the catch. He is there to respect you, not use you ( hopefully). You can tell if a guy is just trying to use you if he says " I am a guy, I cant help my urges" or "If you really love me you will do this". Okay seriously, if they love us they will treat us with DIGNITY and RESPECT! The way we deserve. Now giving Oral is the same thing as sex and many other activities that involve any place that should be covered by a modest bathing suit. We are allowing them to use us and abuse us. We are playing on how they are wired, so we get stung or a major electrical burn...so to speak.

Now about how girls treat other girls. We should be allies, but in most cases eachother's WORST ENEMIES!! I can only roll my eyes and some females behavoir. We should be supporting one another, not tearing eachother down. Besides what is up with the whole writing on the bathroom stale thing? That is plain retarded. Like so and so is a slut, or so and so has warts...maybe we should be telling eachother to stay away from guys that just want someone for a "booty call". Like so many Rebels I have heard talking about how they got this girl and how they got this girl. And what they did, and again yepee! What men they are. We act so suprised when we act this way and we find ourselves not better than a sex slave. Common girls, are we not better than this?

For once can we not band together? Can we not dress modestly? Just because the movie stars dress that way, does not mean it is right. There are all these sayings today about how we need to be original and be ourselves. Yet we let hollywood still influence us. Yay for being ourselves. I just wish we could respect ourselves and just well I do not know. Not allow others to dicate to us how we should dress if we want this guy. That guy will only want your body, not the whole you.
So now I want to leave you with all of this and think about it. Guys are awesome, we are different and should be equal. But we are doing this to ourselves. What else can we ask for. We tell people how to treat us by the way we behave and dress. So do not act suprised the next time you let someone use you and they do not stay. We brought this apon ourselves. So what is up with Girls today?

Angels

2005-02-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what it would be like to see into the Spiritual realm? I know I do. I can't help but think about what may be happening in the battle for people's soul's. And if I have ever encountered an Angel. What would it be like? Personally I doubt I will notice when I entertain one. Since it is more the Bible tells us to be careful because we never know if one is in our presence. First of all that gives me the shivers.

Today many say that their loved ones are angels. Nice comment; I would want to be considered a messeger of God. However I think that people are now people are taking this word way to lightly. Think about it; these beings are able to live with God and they fight the spiritual "bad guys". One was sent to Mary to tell her about the baby she would be carring. How I cannot get over the fact that they are all around us. There is a war that is constantly going on that we cannot see. The good and evil war that has been going on since the fall of Satan and his angels.

Now I bring this up because I was listening to a song called "Fly" by Jason Upton and well I think I heard one. You see when they were making the CD a boy came up to them after that song and well said he had seen a angel behind him and the drummer. Well they thought that the sound was an overtone. But it was coming from his mic, so there was really no explaination. I listened to the song over and over again and I find it hard to hear what sounds like an angel, but the idea of hearing one...WOW! It makes me very excited. Now some may be wondering how come and angel would do that? I do not know why, but I know that angel's learn the things of God by how the Church acts and worships God. Maybe it was like sitting in on a class, learning about God. I do not know. I know when I can understand what goes on behind to scenes I will understand a lot more things about life.

So I am left here to wonder now if I have ever encountered one; do you think you might have? Got to wonder...

Beautiful

2005-02-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

As a female; well I feel like it is just me. But I do not feel beautiful. I know there are others out there and I know that it is silly. Yet I cannot help how I feel. It is just Satan trying to keep me from becoming who God wants me to really be. However there is a lot of encouragement out there for those, or me, to find our true worth. I found a really good song though. This song says excatly how I feel. I am sure God used the talent of Bethany Dillon to reach girls who are constantly under attack from the world. So I hope if you are a girl like me you will find hope and peace in this song.

Beautiful
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up
To cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
'Cause I cannot keep their attention
thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

chorus:
I want to be beautiful
Make You stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone
Other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't You help me back to glory?

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart
And I am amazedI love to hear You say
Who I am in quite enough
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful
Beautiful

Poetry

2005-02-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

Ever realize sometimes the title has nothing to do with the poem itself? I have. Kinda weird, yet I know for myself if it did not have that title I would have most likely scand over it, or not have even bothered to begin with. So what is with the title not matching the theme, or being totally opposite. I think there is alot more. I have even read books that use this. I thought is was about something totally different. Or the title doesn't even match the book. What is up with that?

Now I know some of you who are reading this will know the answer to this question. The title is supposed to get the attention of the reader. Get the reader thinking before they even turn to the page or open the cover. Some of it is just to make it interesting. I have not read this book I have heard many things about it. It is called...anyone guess? I kissed Dating Good-bye by Joshua Harris. Well interesting title would you not agree? I am interested already. You want to know what is behind that right? Well Bang, it works. He is an awesome author and that was a great book so I hear from many around me.

Now with this title what do you think? Personally nothing like this. There isn't a poem. It isn't about how to find the theme of the poem in less than a minute and write a 5000 word essay. Though I wish it was something like that. Just what I have observed in my reading and what-not. I also helped someone with her poetry homework, and more often than not the title had nothing to do with what it said. I had a perconcieved notion about it and well in some cases totally let down. But you know what, the title got me to read the poem. Got me to think about it. SO in the end the author got to say what they wanted: Victory and mission accomplished for the author! It is amazing what a catchy title can do! Like using a common word that everyone knows and make it an irony or paradox or a oxymoron.

The title is like the thesis statement. You either lose or gain the approval of the reader. You either lose or gain their attention. First of all, I would as a author, like to keep the attention of those who read my work. How else do you keep your voiced? If no one will read it you just wasted time and energy to write it. So here is to a life time of reading titles that have nothing to do with the subject

Rose

2005-02-07T18:56:00.000-08:00

A beauty once,

quick to bloom.

Wilted from life,

crushed by circumstances;

trampled underfoot.

Drying out from the very air

that gives life.

Scarlet peddles,

scared black from life.

In the seed of despare,

hope is found.

As life anew springs from

the ground!

Boy Fast

2005-02-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

Well I really do not know what to write about. There are so many things that I see going on around me that I have problems with. So many mistakes I see that I have made and it pains me to see them make the same mistakes I have. I now know how a parent feels to sit back and watch their children fall; and they are helpless. Utterly powerless; all they can do is just wait for them to come to them for advice. Somehow I doubt that will even happen. All I will have to do is watch their face be full of pain. So I have taken up a new challenge for my life. As the title says, I am doing a "Boy Fast". So let me explain this unusual conempt.

This boy fast is a realization I have come to. Since my break up with a boy I was deeply in love with, I have realized to often I have let boys run my life. And not the true lover of my soul: Jesus. I am refusing to look for a boyfriend. I often am caught up in the thought " I wonder if he is the one", how foolish and childish I have been. God saved me and I was not letting him have all of me. For crying out loud, He dies to save me. He gave all of himself and I was only willing to give him a small part of me. I don't know. I have just realized I do not want a boyfriend. I do not want anything other than a friendship with guys. God is the only one for me. I will not date unless he brings the guy who will help me fullfil my dreams and I will in turn help him.

I see so many girls want a boyfriend, thinking it will solve all their problems. Well the joke is on them. In fact it does not solve any problems, just causes more and more problems to emerge. In fact it isn't just girls who are looking for boyfriends, but too many guys are doing the same. All I can say is " Can they afford to be married"? If the answer is no, then they shouldn't date. May sound harsh, but dating is to find the person you are going to marry. Not someone to be physical with and then move on to the next one. Dating isn't a light thing that you use as a pass time.

Now I have realized something, when I give God all of me he will work wonders in my life. Already I have seen the affects. Already I can feel him more, see him more. Not to mention I look forward to all the time I spend with him. He is my desire, not a guy. He will give me what I need and my desires when he knows I am ready. Even if I never date again or get married I will be content with my life. I have my friends and I will have my ministry.

So God completes me and I would encourage all of those who read this that use men to complete them to go on the Boy Fast. If you are a guy a Girl Fast. What are you waiting for?

Skirts

2005-02-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

Wow, I was at church and well I saw something that does not belong there. Short skirts; yes this skirt was short. If she bent over you would see a lot more than anyone would want to. Now you can say it is okay for someone to wear such a skirt and I would have to say I disagree. First of all you can expect it from non-Christians but for a self proclaiming Christian I think not. We are to help the guys keep a pure thought. Besides why would they want to bring a girl who dresses like a slut home to meet the parents? They are men and well they will use you then just dump you. Is that the message you want to send. I know for myself I am not one to send that.

Honestly I don’t know what has happened to the world today. In the Christian circles we are going more and more towards the world. Jesus told us we were set apart and we aren’t acting like it. We are supposed to be different and look around…do you see what I see? I can hardly distinguish between a follower of Christ and a follower of the world. My heart grieves for this. Are we all losing our way? Short skirts and tight skirts do not belong in church. Church is a place for praise not a place to get guys and a runway for fashion.

Don’t get my wrong, I love fashion. I have a lot of shoes and I love looking at clothes. I am careful, however, how I dress. I am modest; there is a difference between dressing to attract and dressing attractively. Seeing your bra straps, underwear, mid-drift does not help anyone. Do you realize that those “love handles” that are hanging over your low rise jeans are gross to look at? Is it your goal to attract the wrong kind of guys? I know I want a guy who will love me for who I am, not what I look like in a short skirt and a skin tight shirt. I just shake my head at what the girls will wear today. So sad really when you think about it; can’t we change fashion?

Well I think we can change fashion today and well I will try. I am careful by what I wear. I am in love with sweaters, but I believe in dressing attractively. One day I hope God will bring me the guy of my dreams and not some one who will lust after me. I will also be considerate of the Christian guys and will help them by not allowing myself to become an object of lust. I will refuse to be a possible stumbling block for a guy. So keep the short skirts at home buried in the depths of your closet. God will honor you if you honor him.

I feel so hurt

2005-01-19T14:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, what is there to say...I feel really hurt and torn. I actually don't know what to say, except I feel so angry. Honestly I hate feeling this way, I just want to run and hide and be by myself. Not to mention I have to flu right now. I also have been pulling away from people. It is almost as if I would rather not be around anyone. My temper is short and well I feel aweful. (the flu doesn't help either) What can I say? How I wish people would just say they are sorry to me and that i could go on normal again. THough I know now I will never be the same. I am really hurt. I know many who have hurt me will never see this, and maybe it is a good thing. Seens they are made at me already, they would turn everything around on me and again make me the bad guy. Honestly...I never thought people could be that mean to me. Hopefully tomorrow alot of this will be ironed out, so when I leave my church, which I love so much, I can leave with my head held high. Often it is easier to think that no one will notice me, becuase honestly I don't think alot of them will.

Well I also have a diploma tomorrow. Wow, how the semester has flown by! I can't believe I am aready done. Seems that I didn't spend enough time with my friends. Yet here is to the new chapter of my life.

Speaking of chapter, I am writing a book. Probably not a very good one, but hey it is helping me to become more creative. Maybe I will post the chapters once I am completed them. However I need to find time to write. Hard thing to do really. I just have so many stories in my head. Got to get them out somehow.

Well to anyone who reads this I hope it doesn't sound like gossip. And if it does I am sorry. I am just trying to say how I feel: hurt. Well until next time.